Why The Hell Does God Hate Melbourne So Much? — The Betoota Advocate

Why The Hell Does God Hate Melbourne So Much? — The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Melbourne is once again nature’s whipping boy this week after streets in the middle of it have flooded, leaving many Melbournese seeking higher ground.

It comes just a year after the plague shut the city down for well over a hundred days, which brought about a lot of dreadful things that are still being ironed out of Victorian culture to this day.

As the person responsible for these things, The Advocate spoke candidly to God this afternoon about why he keeps sending the nation’s most European city his hardest battles.

“I don’t think that’s entirely accurate,” said God.

“In the past few years, I’ve dished up a few armballs to Queensland and New South Wales. I think it’s you who haven’t been nice to Melbourne recently – if ever,”

“That and my once outgoing son Jesus spent some time in Melbourne in 2015. He was once full of life and had dreams of becoming a race car driver but after spending 3 days in Revolver, he’s now meek and withdrawn. He slept under the pool table for 10 hours and nobody found him. I think that’s disgraceful.”

With that snooty opinion on board, The Advocate phoned a Victorian number at random and was lucky enough to speak to an elderly man called Roger who lived in the Mildura satellite city of Red Cliffs.

He told us not to listen to God because he’s full of shit.

“I have never heard of The Betoota Advocate but that point is moot,” he said with the help of an ElectroLarynx.

“God does hate Melbourne. It’s a plain fact. The evidence is there. He keeps burning them, flooding them. Putting a pox on them. It’s like the whole of Victoria is Ireland and Melbourne is Bono. We’re out here picking grapes and shooing goats. In Melbourne, they’re just standing in wind and eating everywhere but their own house. It’s godless behaviour.,”

“Queensland, for the most part, is grimmer than South Australia so don’t you get on your high horse, either.”

More to come.

Author: Stephen Bailey