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Local Monarchist, Julie Petrie (57, Myer Perfume) has once again lashed out the shallow interests of her two daughters today, after overhearing yet another high-energy kitchen table conversation about Pete Davidson or Caitlyn Jenner or something like that.
“Oohhh enough with the bloody Kardashians” scowls Julie, from the living room.
“I don’t understand why you girls worship that family. They are multi-millionaires for no reason”
Her adult daughters, now truly conditioned to this Boomer criticism of modern pop culture, decide against pointing out the clear parallels between their unconditional loyalty to the American socialites and the fact that their mother is currently halfway through the ABC’s broadcast of the Platinum Jubilee of Elizabeth II.
That’s because Julie is perfectly capable of pointing out these similarities herself.
“Seriously? What do they do?”
“Apart from delivering the tabloids a sex scandal every ten years?”
“And marrying underwhelming men, while occasionally wearing a nice dress?”
“The Kardashians contribute very little to the world. Just pointless gossip”
Their mother’s rant pauses momentarily, as she is distracted by a close up shot of the Duchess of Cambridge clearly struggling to sing along to the lyrics of Queens ‘We Will Rock You’ – one of the most universally recognised rock choruses in the world.
“Oh I love Kate” says Julie.
“I wish Diana was here to see this”
“Mind you, you’d probably be heartbroken by Harry’s decision to marry an AMERICAN”
“He should’ve married that lovely Cressida Bonas.”
“Wait who was that other girlfriend he had?”
“Rose Farquhar. That’s it. At least she was Royal. Americans can’t be royals. They wouldn’t be able to keep up with all of the appearances and media”
Julie’s recollections of the dating history of Prince Harry is interrupted by her daughter Bridie, who is quick to point out some historical errors.
“Wrong, mum” says Bridie.
“It was William that dated Rose Farquhar”
“They were childhood friends and are still close, but they dated for a short time in college.”
“Remember, her father is Captain Ian Farquhar, who was previously Master of the Beaufort Hunt. After she and Prince William briefly dated, they broke up and she moved to New York to attend acting school at the famous Lee Strasberg Institute.”
“She’s now a singer and auditioned for The Voice UK in 2016 with “Anyone Who Had a Heart,” although none of the celebrity judges chose her for their teams.”
“After that she starred on Love Island”
“It was on the same channel as Keeping Up With The Kardashians”
MORE TO COME.