Townsville Monkeypox Scare Turns Out To Be Hungover Bloke Who Can’t Remember Getting Into A Biff — The Betoota Advocate

Townsville Monkeypox Scare Turns Out To Be Hungover Bloke Who Can't Remember Getting Into A Biff — The Betoota Advocate


Fears that a second person has contracted monkeypox in North Queensland have been dismissed today, after health officials confirmed no link with the region’s first case.

It has been reported that a 33-year-old man presented a Townsville medical centre last night with blistered knuckles on his right hand. Both the patient and his wife were of the opinion that the only explanation for these skin abrasions.

The two individuals were then immediately isolated into official quarantine facilities, where medical experts began conducting tests on the wounds.

However, today it can be confirmed that the suspected case was actually just the result of a hungover bloke telling porkies to his misso.

This comes after FNQ Health Officials reported its first case of monkeypox on the 2nd of June in the Whitsundays, a result of person-to-person transmission which was suspected to have occurred among international cases via direct contact.

Monkeypox is a viral disease affecting rodents and primates in rainforest areas of west and central Africa, related to smallpox and sometimes transmitted to humans. Within one to three days after fever, a rash with blisters develops often beginning on the face then spreading to other parts of the body. There are no specific treatments for monkeypox infection.

It is usually a mild self-limiting illness and most people recover within two to four weeks.

The virus has also been identified in in both New South Wales and Victoria – but the initial North Queensland case has put both locals and the region’s health officials on high alert.

QLD Health did not disclose the date the first individual may have contracted the rare virus, nor any demographic information about them – leaving Townsville health officials to believe that this most recent scare could very well be linked.

Fortunately, after 12 hours of tests and cross-examining from forensic health experts, it became clear that the second individual actually just some deadshit who’d promised his wife that he would stop getting into punch-ons at the pub.

The patient has since been released after eventually admitting that he’d gone out on the tiles on the Sunday with some mates, and drank a skinkful of rum and cokes, a decision that resulted in a pub brawl with some local military personnelle.

“We have reason to believe this suspected case is actually just some moron with busted knuckles from scrapping down on the Strand” said a QLD health spokesperson.

“Queensland Health advises that fibbing to your misso, to the point where you send your entire hometown into a medical lockdown, will only make your hang over worse”

Author: Stephen Bailey