ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
This stupid old bastard down at the Sheraton on Machattie Park in the Old City has done everyone a solid this afternoon by taking his countless amount of Band-Aids off before jumping in the hotel pool.
Graeme Coolidge, a retired corporate johnny with the self-awareness of a chimp that’s spent all day in the sun eating fermented berries, didn’t go the whole hog by first showering before he got in the pool, he met society in the middle.
He spoke to our reporter at the hotel swim-up bar, where he broke wind repeatedly and quite obviously tried to get away with urinating in the pool but his morning Berocca gave him away.
“Forgive the weeping wounds, old sport,” he said to The Advocate.
When asked why he took his Band-Aids off before jumping in the over-chlorinated swamp of geriatric urine and dust off the Simpson Desert, Mr Coolidge said he had his own reasons.
He broke wind again.
“I’ve had them come off before,” he said.
“And they attached to other people in the hydro-therapy pool. The shame was immense.”
Losing track of his thoughts, he accused the barmaid of stealing his room key.
“Anyway, I take them off and pop them on a table,” he said.
Our reporter asked who picks them up when he’s done swimming.
“The cleaner, dear boy. It’s their job.”
More to come.