Suburban Crim That Scans Capsicums As Carrots Also Helps Himself To Someone Else’s Umbrella After a Few Beers  — The Betoota Advocate

Suburban Crim That Scans Capsicums As Carrots Also Helps Himself To Someone Else's Umbrella After a Few Beers  — The Betoota Advocate

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT

A white collar fugitive is reportedly on the loose this evening, as authorities respond to a steady rise in local umbrella theft.

After months of afternoon rains, which often inspire Betoota’s downtown community to stay inside for a few more beers at knock-off drinks, The Advocate understands local pub patrons are increasingly discovering that some piss-head has nicked their umbrella.

Speaking to one victim this evening outside PJ Murphys on Webcke Street, local pencil pusher Harrison Nickel told our reporter he was furious to be walking home in the rain after a few harmless drinks in the city.

“I’ve dropped in here for two quick Irish Milkshakes, left my umbrella in that bucket outside and it’s been lifted within the hour,” Harrison whined, sopping wet from the rains dropping overhead.

“Mate I’m furious, it was one of those BMW dealership ones, a bloody good one!”

In a press conference delivered from the steps of North Betoota Police Station yesterday, local Sgt. Mike Nolan has further confirmed rumours swirling around town that Betoota is indeed dealing with a spate of alcohol-inspired rain crime.

“We understand that the persons of interest is a white, caucasian male in his late 20’s, who works in the tech sector, he’s not armed however we expect him to be considerably intoxicated,” Sgt. Nolan told the reporting media.

“We’re unaware at this stage whether this individual works alone, or is simply inspiring others, but we’re assuming that it’s done by the same type of criminal that scans organic capsicums through as onions at the self-checkout.”

Wrapping up yesterday’s presser with a personal note, its alleged even Betoota’s policing community have been forced to trudge home in the wet after a few shandys on a Thursday.

“And just privately I was at the Commercial last week after mixed touch and some prick took mine, one of those strong Bunnings ones, so I’m taking this matter incredibly seriously.”

More to come.

Author: Stephen Bailey