Student Slumlord Experiences Involuntary Climax From China’s Snap Decision To Ban Online Studies — The Betoota Advocate

Student Slumlord Experiences Involuntary Climax From China’s Snap Decision To Ban Online Studies — The Betoota Advocate

RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact

In the murky grey areas that exist completely outside of the country’s real estate laws, a slimy student slumlord has for years now been illegally squeezing a shocking amount of international students into his 7 bedroom Queenslander located near to the University of Betoota.

In that time, Ezekiel Jolly has ripped off students by charging rents well above market rate. He has demanded rents be paid in cash, and in return offers no lease agreement, rental security or service of any discernable kind. 

The only thing students appear to get for their money, beyond a leaking roof over their head, is a slumlord whose favourite pastime is a daily home inspection where he rummages around their personal belongings for no other reason than knowing they won’t say jack about it.

“These internationals, they have no idea. I tell them to pay for the oven to be fixed. Haha, it’s not even broken,” laughed the grease ball who is living his best life.

And just when you thought God would smite down the morally bankrupt slumlord vulture, it turns out that things have only gotten a whole better for him. 

The recent snap decision made by China to ban citizens studying at foreign universities online means that Australia now expects no less than 50,000 Chinese students to flock to universities across the country. As many as half of the arrivals are expected to land in Betoota looking for a place to rent within the next three weeks.

With only 4 rentals available within a 50km radius of the University, Jolly was overcome with pure orgasmic joy at the news. Realising what this meant for his slumlording future, the Advocate witnessed the man involuntarily climax right there on the spot.

“Pfft-eargh!” he guffawed, shoulders relaxing.

While the Advocate was happy for the man’s accidental Big-O, we had to ask just what he intended to do with the influx of students.

“My house has high ceilings, so I can stack bunk beds 3 high,” he said while shifting around uncomfortably in sticky pants. “I reckon I can easily fit 50 students in the place.”

Jolly also said he expects to raise the rent by 200% because “why the fuck not?!” as he so eloquently put it.

“I might even buy another Queenslander,” he mused.

Author: Stephen Bailey