ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A young couple who got supremely honey-dicked into buying some mouldy shitbox in our town’s French Quarter are now complaining about being trapped in a mortgage prison because the RBA put interest rates up when they said they wouldn’t.
The couple were complaining to a life-long renter, Craig Bowmore, who said he was simply born in the wrong postcode to parents that don’t have any money or assets.
“I’ve known Lachie and Rach for ages, they’re good people. They bought this place after living rent-free with Lach’s parents for 4 years. They had this self-contained guest room above the garage, which Rach said was pretty noisy in the morning because Lach’s dad would often head to golf really early. Anyway, they moved into this nice-enough flat in the Frenchie in the gap between variants last year. They did it all on their own, too. If you ask them,” said Craig.
“So yesterday, they had a big sook to us at the pub about being in a mortgage prison because they’re now paying more than they want to each month. It’s not their fault, it’s Phillip Lowe’s [laugh] Yeah, this is what a spoilt child grows up to be. I’m glad I got flogged with jumper cables as a child. It’s given me a clarity and apathy that only something like that can give you,”
“Anyway, as they were hooking into their $35 Sunday Roast down at the Gelded Seahorse, I said this mortgage prison they’re talking about sounds a lot like those flash Scandinavian prisons where they get PlayStations and sirloins for dinner. I’m going to be renting my whole life, I’m OK with that. I don’t have much super, either, so I’m pretty much counting on this whole business with Ukraine and Russia to spiral into a global conflict,”
“If that happens, I can join up and go fight the Chinese or the Russians. I might get blown up in some Malaysian wetland or bayonetted by a handsome Kazak conscript in Nepal. I might survive and get a soldier-settler Meriton shitbox near Brisbane Airport. It’s certainly a risk but at least I’ll get my name on a title. Food for thought.”
More to come.