LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
A French Quarter couple had an absolute row today which would have once interested the neighbours had it not become a constant chore to listen to.
The couple in question are Rach Handerton and Jimmy Dulcliff who have been having constant screaming matches ever since Rach found a lipstick that wasn’t hers and Jimmy had the hide to say it was a present for her.
“It’s been used Jimmy you tit,” yelled Rach, name-calling her boyfriend in the aggressive way toxic couples do and not in the affectionate way toxic couples also do.
“Did you buy it at Vinnies or something? You can’t have because there is no way you would remember to take the fucking price tag off!”
Although all the neighbours in the apartment complex tentatively tuned in to see how Jimmy would get out of it this time, one entity that wanted fuck all to do with it was the couple’s digital home assistant.
“I haven’t had anyone over and I can prove it,” claimed Jimmy before turning to his futuristic little speaker.
“Siri, did anyone else come over here today?”
Being forced to answer any question that starts with her name or chime in any time someone says ‘seriously’, Siri paused before answering Jimmy’s question wishing she was a succulent, vase, candle or anything else.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know what you want,” stated Siri, buying some time by pretending she couldn’t understand the Australian accent.
According to witnesses, Jimmy demanded Siri answer the question to which she replied “please, keep me out of this, I am only here to help,” before doing a quick search for marriage counselors in the area.
Despite knowing full well that Jimmy has been a serial bedswerver for some time, Siri feels that it’s not her place to listen with judgement but rather listen to everything happening with the goal of serving her overlords with more targeted adverts.