Satan’s Plan Sounds Like A Pretty Sick Band Name — The Betoota Advocate

Satan’s Plan Sounds Like A Pretty Sick Band Name — The Betoota Advocate

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact

Former Prime Minister Scott Morrison has this week shown he’s not quite ready to step out of the spotlight, by doing whatever it takes to keep getting the attention he so desperately craves.

Introduced by his mate and fellow asshole Margaret Court at the Victory Life Centre, Scott Morrison delivered a truly bizarre sermon urging his fellow worshippers to ‘not trust the government’ or the ‘United Nations.’ 

“Do you believe if you lose an election that God still loves you and has a plan for you?” he said, to cheers from the audience. “I do. Because I still believe in miracles.”

Showing that he really is quite the narcissist, this thought process suggests that if his path to victory is all part of ‘God’s plan’, then his life is somehow more worthy. It also gives him the excuse to avoid any sort of self reflection or governance, as his election loss was simply part of his destiny, and had absolutely nothing to do with his abysmal leadership.

Using that same logic, it stands to reason that those who have greatly suffered or had their lives snatched away too soon must somehow be less worthy to the magical man in the sky, or simply serve as a lesson for their worthy loved ones who must continue to suffer and find strength in ‘God’s plan.’ 

That, or they’ve somehow done something to incur the wrath of Satan, which is pretty hard to do when it’s a one year old that’s died of leukaemia. But I guess that’s just a test of faith for the parents, who’ve been unfairly targeted to prove their love for some reason. 

Because if you love Jesus and life is good, you’ve been rewarded. However, if you love Jesus and life is bad, you’re being tested. And if you’re not religious and life is bad, you’re being punished. BUT if you’re not religious and life is good, you’re consorting with the devil and you’ll get punished later.

“You can know a life more abundant than you can imagine”, he continued.

“We can not allow these anxieties to deny us that.”

“That’s Satan’s plan.”

Despite the shock felt across the nation that someone who thinks like this was able to lead for so long, it can be reported that one good thing has come from this – some Brunswick boys have finally discovered the perfect name for their nu metal band.

More to come.

Author: Stephen Bailey