LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Breezing through their 2023 bingo, local renter Charmaine Keepin (31) has been notified that she will have to move out of her apartment when her lease ends in 30 days.
Having to jump right back into the world of manic and soul depleting housing inspections, Charmaine is preparing herself for rental applications by preparing her references, payslips, blood samples, fingerprints, pound of flesh and anything else she might need to seal the deal.
At one stage in modern Australian history, renting a place to live was a respected way to go about your life. However, now that the people who matter have realised how much the fucked real estate market has worked in their favour, all renters are considered scum who are bad with money and deserve to have their private lives invaded when trying to put a roof over their head.
Once a simpler process, modern renters like Keepin are used to having to provide a biographer’s resources worth of information to real estate agents as well as make declarations they will not make noise or use the toilet for a number 2.
“I thought I was having a bad day when my lease was terminated but it was made a lot better by contacting old bosses to ask for a reference,” stated Keepin, who usually chooses happiness over wondering the world is the fucking way it is.
“Got my fingerprints done at the station last night. My blood samples came back with slightly lower than average iron levels so I really hope I don’t miss out on this place because of that.”
Keepin then enjoyed a bit of rare body positivity as she looked at her body and realised there wasn’t actually anywhere that she would nominate to be sliced off to help pay her bond.
Our reporting team wished Keepin luck with the rental search and assured her that it gets even harder to rent a good property when you’ve written as many defamatory stories about real estate agents as our reporting team has.
“Well make sure you guys keep it up. The only way we can win against real estate agents is by reminding actual people that they are not one of us. All that separates them from parking inspectors is a tie and a genuine love for networking. Even if you never have a home again, you’ll always have your humanity and that is something they will never know.”
“Before you go can you fang us that knife?”
MORE TO COME.