Recently Dumped Bloke Fails To Heal Crippling Heartbreak With New Found NFL Fandom — The Betoota Advocate

Recently Dumped Bloke Fails To Heal Crippling Heartbreak With New Found NFL Fandom — The Betoota Advocate

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT

A local bloke is looking to mend a broken heart this week as he attempts to band-aid his feelings by becoming an American sports fan.

Unlucky in love and unlucky in appearance, local Betoota man Dylan Davis (31) has reportedly been on the offensive as he attempts to rebrand himself as the type of guy who understands how the NFL conference system works.

Speaking to The Advocate at 11am from the desperate throws of an empty bar stool at ‘Mac Daddys’, 

Betoota’s notorious sports bar famous for its $1 Wing Wednesdays, Dylan told our reporter that his genetic shortfalls led him to life as an American football fan.

“I was too unco at school to be good at footy and my fair skin meant Mum wouldn’t let me play cricket, I guess I’ve never really found my thing,” lamented Dylan.

“But when I discovered I can feign expertise on a sport with cool merchandise and unlock a whole new set of gambling markets, I decided it was time to carve myself out as an NFL guy!”

Looking to fill the void left by his recently departed girlfriend of 8-months, Dylan has reportedly gone full automatic weapons blazing into his newfound hobby, arming himself with the figurative NFL starter pack designed for Aussies looking to build a personality off their American sports fandom.

After spending the last week reading numerous ESPN articles covering the top NFL storylines for the 2022-23 season, Dylan admitted he’s even got some merch on the way to wear to the gym.

“Yeah I got a Patrick Mahomes jersey coming, got the custom build with the name and number!”

“But it’s not from Rebel Sports tho, everyone knows their Patriots merch is just for the bandwagon fans, the ones that follow NFL cos they think it’s cool.”

“Nah mine is coming from the US, it’ll be way more legit…”

More to come.

Author: Stephen Bailey