ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
One of the shadowy members of the New South Wales poker machine industry has confirmed to The Advocate that they’re putting together a so-called “dirt file” on the state’s premier.
The drastic action is in order to force Premier Dom Perrottet to back down on introducing new legislation aimed at preventing people from completely fucking their lives up by getting addicted to them.
However, that poker machine industry rep has been able to confirm to our reporter that despite their best efforts, the dirt file is just a single page that details the five times he’s said the word “tampon” out loud.
“It’s not exactly what we’re used to finding,” said the rep.
“You know, back in the good old days, you’d find some roads minister stumbling out of Ken’s at Kensington at 3am. You’d find a police commissioner chugging along past the old Darlinghurst Goal in first gear. Some country member would be up to their nipples in small town local government corruption. Gambling debts, brothels, drugs. It was easy as hell back then,”
“But with this bloke, he went to high school, he went to uni, he got married, worked at the biggest law firm in the world doing fuck knows what and now he’s here. Aside from purposefully tripping over someone when he was playing soccer and refusing to help them up, he’s actually done fuck all. Sure, there’s the usual grey-area ICAC stuff that only nerds care about but that’s par for the course in State Politics,”
“We have evidence that he’s said tampon out loud five times in his life, which for him is pretty full on. We’re going to keep looking but it looks like he takes his plates back to the kitchen when he’s eating at the pub. It’s got me fucked.”
The Advocate reached out to the NSW Premier’s office for comment and received a short reply explaining that the Premier is aware of the file and he has only said “tampon” five times out loud because “that whole thing gives me the ick” and “girls are actually so gross”.
More to come.