LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
In another trend that will be impossible to explain in 20 years time, landlords and real estate agents of Australia have confirmed that mould increases rent.
Following a year of record breaking wet weather and an already cliched cost-of-living crisis, the average price of rent has increased in tandem with the average amount of mould in rental properties.
“Get excited, it’s a living thing, it’s the closest a lot of our tenants will get to a pet,” stated one real estate agent, who would tragically finish his work day injury free.
“The increased rent is in keeping with the value of the property. It’s like living in a block of blue cheese, you pay more for the funkier stuff.”
“To be honest, I’m tired of explaining this to tenants, it’s so straightforward.”
One tenant who is paying more to live in a veiny, intriguing block of Stilton is Angela Moore of Betoota’s French Quarter who is paying $50 a week more to sleep next to a cluster of infectious, lung shortening mould.
“This is worse than the time they charged me more for the lack of central heating because I was getting an ‘authentic alpine experience,’” stated Moore, who was now filling maintenance requests out of spite.
“I could clean the mold myself by why the fuck should I? The owner bought this place on a waiter’s salary before I was born. Cunt has already won the lottery, he can clean the mould.”
“It’s always him who shows up to do the maintenance instead of an actual professional, he can probably add mould remover to his CV.”
“I could be a reference on that CV probably, I basically pay the cunt’s salary.”