RORY SALAZAR | Finance | CONTACT
In response to Italy’s ongoing economic crisis and the shocking resignation of their PM Mario Draghi, the Italian people have demanded that Mark Wahlberg be brought in as Acting PM to do an ‘Italian Job’ on the country’s economic woes.
And the heist specialist has answered the call.
The Advocate spoke with the Actor in Campo San Barnaba, Venice, pressing him on his motivations for taking the job.
“It’s not about the money or the gold. It’s about payback,” Wahlberg said as he showed The Advocate what appeared to be surveillance cam images of Edward Norton circa 2003.
The Boogie Nights star claimed he’d been double-crossed by Norton, alleging the man murdered his mentor Donald Sutherland, whose ashes Wahlberg now kept in a pair of large dice that hung from the rear view mirror of his red and white striped Mini Cooper S he’d brought with him to the country to pull off this one last job.
Later, The Advocate rode shotgun with the Oscar Nominee on his quest to assemble his parliamentary cabinet.
Behind the wheel of his Mini Cooper S, Wahlberg drove like a man above the law. He offered a Manila folder to our reporter that detailed the names and attributes of several potential cabinet candidates.
“Got my computer expert, my explosives guy, my safe cracker,” Wahlberg said while pointing to the folder. Within it, The Advocate was privy to intel on Seth Green, Mos Def and Charlize Theron, who also happened to be the daughter of his late mentor.
“I’m doing this for him,” Wahlberg said as he tapped the dice that held his former mentors’ ashes before flooring the Mini Cooper S and yelling mid-drift, “We still need one more guy.”
Wahlberg then launched the Mini Cooper S over a Venetian canal and crashed through a series of fresh food market stalls. Darting recklessly through narrow, cobbled city streets, he brought the Mini Cooper S to a screeching halt via a handbrake turn 360 spin that defied explanation.
Before our reporter could catch his breath, Marky Mark was out of the car and moving with purpose to meet with an unknown athletic figure who bore a striking resemblance to Jason Statham.
As our reporter rubbed his eyes from the Mini Cooper’s passenger seat, it became clear that yes, it was in fact Jason Statham.
As the pair of hard-bodied mavericks slapped fists together in friendship, The Advocate saw Wahlberg ask the Mechanic something inaudible, to which Mr Statham knowingly grinned, looked left and then right, nodded, before replying smoothly, “So, what’s the job?”
Witnesses then saw the men embrace, with Statham pointing a finger at Wahlberg in warning, declaring definitively that, “After this one, I’m out.”