Man Finds Himself Screaming “You Heavy Piece Of Fucking Shit!” At His Work-Issued Lenovo ThinkPad Again — The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A city worker who brings great shame upon his employer by working from home two days a week has found himself yet again screaming at his work-issued Lenovo ThinkPad.

The screams were loud enough to wake Michael Rust’s flatmate, who told The Advocate today that it’s not a rare occurrence these days.

Kevin Advil works overnight at the Sir Stamford Betoota Plaza and enjoys sleeping during the day but living with Michael, a corporate communications professional, is starting to annoy him.

“That laptop will be the death of him, it will,” said Mr Advil.

“It gets his blood pressure up so high, you could chop his hand off and use his blood to Gurney the mossy pavers in the communal courtyard downstairs,”

“He’s usually quite a placid bloke but I guess we’ve all been driven to madness by technology at some point, hey?”

Michael was able to speak to our reporter after his latest outburst, where he was heard yelling “you fucking heavy piece of shit, you fucking red-nipple cunt. What’s this blue fucking screen? I’m going to frisbee you off the fucking balcony and into traffic. Give me a blue screen? You fucking cunt. I’ll fucking teach you for mugging me off, you fucking heavy cunt of a thing. I want to fucking kill myself. FUCK!”

He explained that the laptop had been experiencing a few troubles and it was making his job much harder.

However, he says that Kevin isn’t as hen-pecked as he says he is.

“You know what he calls it? My CuckPad. He says, ‘Hey Mike! Another big day of tip-tapping away on your CuckPad?’ then he imitates me, saying things like, ‘Look at me, I’m just another corporate johnny with no balls and a little Lenovo CuckPad that I used to make my bosses very rich while I have to eat microwave pizza and pull myself to sleep then get up and drive my Mitsubishi Sad Cunt to work in the pissing rain just to do it again!’ so take that onboard, too,”

“It’s tough out there.”

More to come.

Author: Stephen Bailey