EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact
Eugh, it’s that time again.
Local woman Selina Perry  is having a pap smear – or her ‘routine vagina scraping’, as she likes to crassly call it.
Designed to be done every three years for women with a clear pap smear history, or once a year for those who’ve had abnormal results due to the human papillomavirus (HPV, which roughly affects up to 80% of sexually active people), a pap smear screens for changes in the cervix, so they can be removed before it has the potential to progress into cancer.
If abnormal results are found, a woman will likely then be referred to a colposcopy, which essentially allows you to see your cervix in ultra HD on a TV screen – how fun!
Though not the most pleasant, Selina would much rather have a doctor scoop inside her like he’s searching for the last pringle in a can, then ignore an issue before it’s too late.
Still, it does help to have a doctor with a good bedside manner when you’re in such a vulnerable position, which unfortunately Selina is NOT experiencing today.
“I’ll give you some privacy to change”, says the doctor, as if he isn’t going to be cooch adjacent within minutes, “you can undress behind the screen.”
Taking off her undergarments before meekly plonking herself on the table and covering herself with the medical sheet, Selina tries to relax and think about anything other than cold steel.
“Okay ready?” asked the doctor, giving the speculum (vagina tongs) a few instinctive test clicks before remembering where he was, “sorry haha.”
“Ah, legs a bit wider please.”
“And we’re done!”
*If you’re overdue for a cervical screening, be sure to get tested by your GP or enquire about Australia’s new self screening tests if you’re feeling nervous.