EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact
An unswervingly loyal mate has this week tried her darned hardest to reassure their friend that her drunken weekend antics weren’t that bad, but is allegedly having to dig really deep to come up with some excuses – which admittedly, leaves her finally able to make some use of her creative writing degree.
Jen Knapton  is said to have had her friend over to battle out some hangxiety with a Vampire Diaries session, when a miserable Leslie had informed her of some of the shit that had gone down on Saturday night.
And boy, did she fuck up.
“Um, so told my boyfriend I hate his mum”, says Leslie, tearfully, “and that if she brings another one of those ugly fucking cushions over for our apartment, I’m going to rip out the stuffing and leave it on her doorstop.”
“I mean, she is very controlling and those cushions really are ugly so I don’t blame you”, Jen had reasoned.
“Then I threw up everywhere”
“Um, well you know, that happens to everyone, it’s not like you do it every weekend.”
“On his shoes.”
“Were they good shoes?”
“No, just cheap volleys.”
“That’s fine then, at least they weren’t expensive.”
“I’d just eaten a HSP so there were chunks of meat just scattered around the living room…”
“…like the sheer radius of it was astonishing.”
“Have you ever seen that video of a whale being blown up with dynamite and chunks of its carcass can be seen raining down on people who lived kilometres away from the beach?”
“It was like that.”
“I, umm..”, says Jen, “well…fuck me dude.”
“I’ve got nothing.”
More to come.