ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A New Zealander has used his magic Kiwi powers over the weekend to absolutely ruin the vibe at a French Quarter kick-on over the weekend.
After an afternoon and evening spent at the pub watching the Victorian leg tennis and the Bunnies get up over the Cronulla Mensa Society, a group of mates came back to Bruce Gilbert’s house on Rue de Putain and got stuck into some of his GraysOnline brain varnish and the odd can of beer he had on offer.
Shortly after midnight, the mood significantly shifted, said Bruce to The Advocate this afternoon.
“So we have this Kiwi mate, Fergus,” he said.
“Lovely guy. Top bloke but unfortunately, he’s from the North Island so he’s a bit off. You know what I mean? They’re like South Australians but less interesting and less prone to violent crime. Well, against people, anyway,”
“We were all having a great time. Someone put ‘Dancing In The Moonlight’ by Toploader on. People were dancing and laughing. My friend Mikey got off work and came over with a zip-lock bag with these massive pressed pingas. Big Duracells, about the size of a man’s fingernail,”
“But yeah, Ferg was talking to a few of the girls. Telling jokes, being cool and everything. Then he spotted a possum.”
While usually quite placid, the everyday Kiwi’s blood begins to boil whenever they spot a common brushtail possum. They’re considered pests in New Zealand and are often dispatched on sight by farmers and Kiwis who still have unregistered .22 automatic rifles in their bed study.
“Hey look, there’s a possum,” said Ferg.
The girls looked and remarked how cute it was. One even offered the scared animal a grape.
“We should catch it and kill it. You distract him with the grape and I’ll grab it,” Ferg told one of the girls.
“Hey Timmy, can you fetch me a knife? I’m going to kill this possum?”
Timmy asked what he meant.
“It’s the best way, man. My uncle Jeff used to swing them by the tail against the side of the house or a tree until they died.”
The party was now almost silent, except for the soft croonings of Toploader.
“Quick, before it gets away.”
More to come.