CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
In news that has ruined Christmas for millions, a pre-Christmas interest rate rise has been delivered this morning by The Reserve Bank.
This is the final icing to the shit cake that was an already financially anxious 2022, as the official interest rates hit a 10-year high.
Local Betoota Downs bartender Jacob Muckley (28) says he knew this before it even made the news.
“Mate it’s kept me on my toes, I’ll tell ya that much for free”
“I haven’t seen this kind of interest since my grade ten formal”
As Jacob goes on to explain, the spike in interest rates can be put down to the fact that he just broke up with his ex-missus Kaylee, after dating steadily for a decade since they graduated from Betoota Downs Public in 2012.
Reserve Bank governor Philip Lowe said the bank’s board decided to raise interest rates surrounding Jacob by a quarter of a percentage point as it worked to bring the apparent man-drought in Betoota under control.
“Jacob and Kaylee were rock solid for the best part of a decade.” said the RBA governor.
“They went on a break for like 2 months during her gap year to Indo, but neither of them hooked up with anyone else. So that basically counts as one continuous relationship”
As Phillip Lowe points out, the fact that Jacob has been a late bloomer in the looks department, paired with the fact that all of the once-hot property high school jocks peaked early and are now drunken mens rights activists, creates a perfect storm where a most eligible bachelor emerges.
“Jacob is pretty much the pick of this one-horse town.” said Philip Lowe.
“He’s handsome, with the manners of someone who’s been hanging out with his missus and her friends for ten years”
“I’m sorry, but an interest rate rise was not only predictable. It was unstoppable”
While Jacob appears chuffed by this news, he insists he doesn’t want to get a big head over a mere 3.1%
“I’ve only gone up a quarter of a percentage” he says.
“Still. You can definitely feel it”
“Especially walking down the main street”