LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
With everything seeming to cost double of what it was before, inflation has seen pub violence increase to two punch attacks instead of the traditional one.
For some unknown reason, a fringe group of Australian men who weren’t hugged enough as children feel as if their evenings out are incomplete without ruining the lives of individuals, and their families, by punching them unprovoked in the back of the head.
Maybe it’s due to our penal colony history, the shortcomings of the education system or just because fuckwits will always exist but somehow public service announcements and pissweak prison sentences have been unable to fully eliminate the urge to plant a degenerate fist on the back of the head of your fellow man.
That is until recently where the rising cost of a night out now means that two punches are required to fully incapacitate the innocent person you were too gutless to look in the eyes.
“Oh it’s horrible, most of the boys are rethinking it because they don’t know if they can even land two punches,” stated Betoota Railway Hotel publican Holly Ineb.
“One punch was a classic, it got your point across; I am a gutless weasel devoid of redeeming qualities, undeserving of affection and a would-be danger to society if it didn’t hurt so much to form a second fist.”
“With two punches now the go some of these young fellas are rethinking the violence shit altogether.”
“Realistically, the only place where you still get value for money is in the VIP lounge. A twenty cent slap is still twenty cents.”
MORE TO COME.