Hyperactive Uncle Scales Back On His Cycling Obsession To Focus On Researching The War In Ukraine — The Betoota Advocate

Hyperactive Uncle Scales Back On His Cycling Obsession To Focus On Researching The War In Ukraine — The Betoota Advocate


Uncle Kenno has made the radical decision to only hit the wide open road on his graphite road bike 6 times a week moving forward, as opposed to his usual 12 times a week.

As the hyperactive uncle of his family, Big Kenno has become well known for his inability to sit still and simply take part in new interests and hobbies as a form light recreation.

Ever since he upgraded from polishing and photographing his Harley Davidson to full blown lycra-cycling during the Pandemic, the 63-year-old retiree has probably only gone a couple days without riding 40 kilometres in one hit.

However, as the weight of the global events gradually seep into his social media feeds – Uncle Kenno has realised he must choose between absolutely fucking himself up on the cleats twice a day – and learning everything there is to know about the War in Ukraine.

After educating himself on the loyalties and politics of different ethnic factions within greater Russia, Kenno is now trying to figure out the so-called annexed Ukrainian separatists – and their tumultuous history, dating back to a time before The Bolsheviks.

“So” says Kenno, interrupting a light Sunday lunch conversation about the solar energy.

“Putin is bluffing everyone.”

“The one thing you’ve got to understand about the psyche of these people, is they don’t want war. And the West doesn’t want war with them. That’s why we had The Cold War.. Get it?”

“Russia are still pretending that this is a special drill or some shit, meanwhile, the only shots we’ve fired at them are these sanctions, which, as you know, have ended up fucking us in the end”

“You filled up a car lately? You tried to book a flight. Putin’s got his boot on the neck with the resources, so he’s basically driving us into a global pandemic. Which works for him, really”

“I mean look at Crimea. Okay, so Crimea is this Peninsula in Eastern Europe where…”

The rest of the family are treated to the sweet sound of silence as Kenno’s daughter hands him a zero carb beer and says mum wants him in the kitchen”

“Wait, is this zero alcohol too?”

“I was hoping to get a ride in before BBC world news fires up. Gotta take into account daylight savings, I stream it through a VPN but the streaming provider runs on Sydney time”

At time of press, Kenno had just learnt about this new thing called ‘yoga’ from a conversation with his neice.

“So you don’t need any gear?” he asks her.

“Ya just walk on in?”

Author: Stephen Bailey