LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Earlier today, a local fraud has been outed as the shifty dishonest phoney he really is.
During an afternoon at Station Bar in Betoota’s French Quarter, Vespa rider Gabriel Roberts (32) showed up in the beer garden of the decommissioned police station wearing a leather jacket and cradling a motorcycle helmet nonchalantly beneath one arm.
According to witnesses, Roberts was seen ordering a dark beer and posing like an eyebrow pierced ‘90s era rebellious stud that people who used to have watch Heartbreak High can’t get enough of.
Unfortunately for the charlatan, he sat at a table of acquaintances that included one motorcycle rider that has not had anywhere near the amount of action he thought a motorcycle would get him.
“Oh cool, you ride too?” asked motorcyclist Darren Poole (28) who suited the ‘loner’ stereotype of bikers but with none of the coolness.
“Aaaah, yeah,” stated Roberts, silently praying there would be no follow up questions.
After initially thinking he got away with mentioning he rides ‘an Italian model’, Roberts was eventually revealed to be a metropolitan, highway averse scooter driver.
“It’s basically the same thing! Pissing off car drivers because we rest on the side of their vehicles and that.”
“I’ve even got the one percent patch, although admittedly that’s due to my family’s financial status as hedge fund managers.”
As much as he scrambled to defend his status as a cool guy, the word was out that Roberts was little more than a fuel powered cyclist, forcing him to go home alone with a spare motorcycle helmet lying dormant in his fancy little rear storage unit.