LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Just when you thought a group camping trip could not get anymore tedious, local flakey dad Turren Ermine (44) has reportedly begun taking the campfire way too seriously.
Originally planned as an old boys camping trip, the weekend away in the scenic channel country quickly became a family affair when Ollie couldn’t find anyone to watch his kids and everyone else was forced to bring their families out of spite.
The only fella who showed up sans partner and kids was Ermine himself, who doesn’t really know where his ex and kids live these days, only that they need 27 cents from every dollar he makes.
As if to prove that he is still a human male capable of providing, Ermine has begun a rigorous campaign of campfire dominance which he is asserting upon all members of the group.
“Right kids, don’t cross this line,” stated Ermine as he dug a circle around the fire with his heel whilst simultaneously performing his most parent-like move ever.
“You don’t go messing around with fire, it demands respect. It’s basically its own element.”
Ermine’s mates state that the distant dad has been far closer to the fire than he ever has been with his own flesh and blood, nurturing the flames with a care and attention most men reserve for their own offspring.
“It’s not just how much time he’s spending with the fire, it’s the weird way he looks at it,” stated friend Ollie Slater.
“He gazes into the flames like he’s seeing himself in a different lifetime. One where he didn’t spend every weekend at Shakeys until he came home to find the house empty.”
At the time of writing, it is believed Ermine has not left the fire since his fire lighting masterclass leaving others to pick up his slack while he keeps their ‘essential life giving flames alive’.
“Alright now, we need firewood. Chop chop everyone!”