LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
In the wake of American Independence Day, the usual group of American expats living in Australia have found themselves feeling much less homesick than usual this year.
Observed every year on the fourth of July, American Independence Day marks the anniversary of their separation from the British Empire which is often celebrated with fireworks, men on stilts, and something they call a BBQ despite the fact there isn’t a grilled onion in sight.
During this time, it is common for Americans living in Australia to miss the unmistakably obnoxious observations that make the USA the world’s softest target and epicentre of schadenfreude.
In 2022 however, a record low of homesickness has been recorded amongst American expats or as they may soon be known, American refugees.
“Yeah I got drunk on the fourth of July,” stated dual citizen Cynthia Wall, who usually spends the fourth of July insulting another uni’s football team.
“I’ve been getting drunk every night, why should that fart of a day be any different.”
“If I drink to injury here at least I won’t have to sell my kidney to pay for the hospital fees.”
The past six years have been a rough trot for some Americans, but it seems that the rejection of basic human rights combined with a smattering of gun violence too widespread to cover on international news, is just the pairing needed to make zero intrepid Americans wish they were in dixie at this time.
“You guys can start drinking with me or you can fuck off.”