ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Two local investors have released their forecast for the next financial year today, downgrading their car dreams from a late model Lamborghini Huracan to a 1992 Mazda 121 with no clear coat and fucked piston rings.
Both Liam Taylor and Alistair Dollerhyde are, in their own words, “all eggs in one basket” investors. Using the power of social media, the 27-year-olds have many dedicated followers that have tracked their journey from being the son of some prominent local cunt to cryptocurrency proponents.
During the last crypto bull rush early last year, Liam told his followers that by this time, he’d be behind the wheel of an automatic Lamborghini Huracan.
Today however, Alistair and Liam took to their Bebo page to explain that they are no longer expecting to drive an Italian supercar.
“We have downgraded our forecast to a 1992 Mazda 121,” said Liam as Alistair frowned.
“The market has been down across the board for months and it’s only going to get worse before it gets better. Some would say this latest crash is just the massive institutional banks manipulating the price to get in lower for the upcoming crypto spring, where we will see massive growth,”
“So, we have decided on buying Alistair’s grandma’s car from her as she has decided to stop driving.”
A French Quarter mechanic has now been tasked with preparing the vehicle to be registered again. The registration ended in 2020 and the vehicle has been left in a garage for nearly two years.
That mechanic, Rod Cutler, told The Advocate that he thinks this car should be crushed into a cube and turned into Lime Bikes.
“We got the thing going but that’s the least of their worries,” he said.
“The seat belt anchor points are rusted out. If they have a crash, the bloody steering column in these things will spear the driver through the chest like you’re fighting a mob of Spartans in Ancient Greece or wherever. The piston rings are fucked, it’s blowing more smoke than a fat bloke’s barbecue. It’s been up every curb from Brisbane to Beirut. The fucking CV joints look like Twisties. It’s got no clear coat and at some points, it’s down the bare metal. The tyres on the back where put on the car when we still had the World Trade Center,”
“I can’t begin to tell you how much of a bastard this car is going to be just to get roadworthy. These crypto blokes would be better off walking. It’s much cheaper and it keeps the gut off you.”
More to come.