Corporate Johnnys Going Hell For Leather At The Pub This Tuesday Arvo Probably From Credit Suisse — The Betoota Advocate

Corporate Johnnys Going Hell For Leather At The Pub This Tuesday Arvo Probably From Credit Suisse — The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A group of suits filling themselves up with piss this afternoon down at the Lord Lehman Hotel in the Old City are probably from Credit Suisse as the finance giant allegedly teeters on the brink of total collapse.

Onlookers admit the Corporate Johnnys could also be from Deutsche Bank, which is also on the brink of folding according to some in the industry.

Nevertheless, the Swiss bank’s credit default swaps are now well above levels seen in the weeks before the 2008 Global Financial Crisis which has forced the board to reassure investors that everything is just fine.

Employees from Betoota’s Credit Suisse are less convinced.

One employee, who asked to remain anonymous but works in the private banking division, told The Advocate that one of his big clients has seen the writing on the wall and wants to completely divest from Credit Suisse as a matter or urgency.

“That’s going to rip a couple of hundred out of the hall here,” they said.

“Oh no, I mean a couple hundred million. I suspect they’re not the only ones looking for the door, too. All this shit with the credit default swaps is just a beat-up. The only people jumping up about that are futures traders and kids. They’re the same thing to me [nervous laughter] But yeah, did you see what the Fed did? Sorry, the US Federal Reserve,”

“Dude, so funny. Like the IMF was all like, ‘Hey, please don’t put interest rates up because you might like literally plunge the developed world into a deep recession and like put lots of decent middle-class people out on the street and the Fed was all like you can take that idea and shove it up your arse, bro then raised the rates,’ They’re fucking cowboys, man. But if the US Federal Reserve is John Wayne, Phillip Lowe is Jake Gyllenhall in Brokeback Mountian. Like the Fed are proper cowboys, bro,”

“But yeah, dude. I can’t say if it’ll collapse but it’s certainly not too big to fail anymore. We’re worth as much as a Greek bank right now.”

More to come.

Author: Stephen Bailey