ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Data from last year’s census has revealed a steep dip in the number of Australians leaving Christianity, which many attribute to God leaving this fucked planet in recent years.
However, his polite son Jesus Christ has hit back at the suggestion, telling this masthead that the census data is probably just wrong.
“I think you will find, if you actually do your own research, that the number of Christians in Australia has actually gone up instead of down,” said Mr Christ.
“But I guess this was all part of my Dad’s plan for this Earth. Like, he’s got separate plans for every planet in the universe, so I actually get asked this type of question all the time.”
When asked where he was in late 2018, Mr Christ said he was actually locked out of the Civilisation Simulation Software (the state-of-the-art computer programme that God uses to control what we all see in our society) during that time and couldn’t prevent such things as the pre-pandemic bushfires and then the pandemic itself.
In addition to that, Mr Christ explained that when the so-called floods of the millennium happened earlier this year, he said he was actually on annual leave from the Church and all of the prayers went to his out-of-office email.
“I regret that but again, it was all part of the plan so you can’t be filthy at me.”
More to come.