Calls For Holden To Start Making Electric Cars Grows Louder After Market Demands EVs With Fucked Timing Chains And Doors That Fill Up With Water Every Time It Fucking Rains

Calls For Holden To Start Making Electric Cars Grows Louder After Market Demands EVs With Fucked Timing Chains And Doors That Fill Up With Water Every Time It Fucking Rains

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

There are growing calls in the automotive community to rebirth local car manufacturer Holden and put it to work making electric vehicles for the Australian market as demand for them grows expontentially.

For generations, Australians looked to Holden for their automotive needs and the brand still holds a deep resonance with the public at large.

Industry commentators and analysts have remarked that even when Holden all but stopped producing cars here and simply re-badged atrocious America, European and Asian vehicles, the love still remained.

Fast forward to the modern day and demand is still there for GM’s local hero.

“While we do not have current plans to reintroduce right-hand drive manufacturing,” said a GM spokesperson to The Advocate this morning.

“We recognise that there is demand for it.”

One local man who is part of the demanding cohort is Glen Coleman, who has owned a number of lacklustre Holden vehicles in the past.

Despite being constantly let down by Holden, he wants an locally-produced electric vehicle.

“If I’m buying one of those lame nerd sleds, I want it to be a Holden,” he said.

“If it’s made by Holden, I know it’ll have fucked timing chains and doors that fill up with water. The engine light will bong at me constantly. The radio will shit itself and be a boot up the dot to fix, let alone swap out for something vaguely useful. Oh, it’ll be great,”

“They should just take the shell of the Holden Malibu, or God forbid. The Holden Volt. Turn that into an electric buzz box. We have all the minerals and shit. We just need to mine them and get our mates in Taiwan to make the chips and we’re off and racing. I wouldn’t mind an electric car but Teslas are fucking so lame, they look like Psyduck from Pokemon. Plus that Elon is a bit of a wanker. He’d boof himself given half the chance,”

“But how good would a Holden EV be? Pretty shithouse but at least it’d be ours. I’m not expecting anything Commodore-spec. Maybe like up to a VE Series I build quality? I’d be happy with a Captiva EV. Although, my wife had one of those and she drove it until the timing belt snapped as she was overtaking a road train and we had to push the cunt into the table drain and torch it,”

“Imagine torching a fucking EV! You’d blow half the Simpson Desert into the sea!”

More to come.

Author: Stephen Bailey