Boyfriend Not Really Sure How He Became So Emotionally Invested In Indoor Plants — The Betoota Advocate

Boyfriend Not Really Sure How He Became So Emotionally Invested In Indoor Plants — The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT

As HR reps continue to remind the working masses that we are living in The New Normal, remnants of life spent in lockdown continue to live amongst us, primarily in the form of indoor plants.

One such plant owner is Lindsey Balzary of Betoota Heights, who during lockdown purchased enough indoor plants to realistically trick a Lego man into thinking he’s in a rainforest. 

As time has gone on however, Balzary’s interest in her makeshift menagerie has faded even if her plant’s need for water and maintenance hasn’t.

So it is that her boyfriend Douglas Zuko has been stuck with the upkeep of indoor plants he always suspected he’d be responsible for one day.

“If it wasn’t for me this weeping fig tree might actually start crying,” stated Zuko as he watered the plants for the 500th consecutive time.

“People have this myth that you can’t kill a succulent and it’s just not true. My girlfriend is the bloody mythbuster.”

Zuko then went on to claim he was having reservations about one day having children with his girlfriend if this was the sort of attention she was going to give to living things she brought into his home.

“This one here cost $400. I mean for fuck’s sake, it’s not a dartboard, you can’t just hang it up and peg things at it occasionally, it’s a borderline fucking investment. Part of me wants to just let it die to teach her a lesson but then we’d just be pissing away nearly half a grand!”

Author: Stephen Bailey