Barilaro Watches His Dream Of Becoming A Sex Columnist In The Upper East Side Vanish Overnight — The Betoota Advocate

Barilaro Watches His Dream Of Becoming A Sex Columnist In The Upper East Side Vanish Overnight — The Betoota Advocate


Former NSW Deputy Premier John Barilaro was reportedly tossing and turning in his sleep last night, as he watches his dreams of relocating to the Big Apple slide out of view.

This follows the news that perhaps there might’ve been a bit of political meddling that took place in order to land the former Nationals heavyweight, who retired out of nowhere last year, the plushest retirement package in the history of NSW Parliament.

As the visions of the sweaty Harlem nights in the jazz beers slowly vanish from his mind, and the smell of the Upper East Side French restaurants fade away – Barilaro finds himself back to where it all started. In the freezing windswept plains of Queanbeyan – the Delaware of Australia.

To only cement the fact that the dream is over, Sydney corporate high flyer Jenny West has told the Parliamentary Inquiry today that she was formally offered the US trade job, before the appointment was withdrawn, despite the fact she was also made redundant from her existing role in the government.

John Barilaro was later appointed to the New York position but withdrew after the political fallout that came from everyone realising his government had effectively invented the extremely pointless overseas positions, before changing the selection process from public appointments to political appointments.

As the press, the Opposition and the wounded NSW Liberals keep digging into this curious case of Barilaro’s sudden retirement from politics, the number one question that keeps arising is ‘why the fuck does a state government need a US trade commissioner?’ as well as ‘What the fuck kind of tangible benefit could possibly come from paying John Barilaro half a rock a year to live in New York City?’

However, as the embattled former Deputy thrashes in his sleep, it has become evident that he never intended on representing the interests of New South Wales in Ameirca – but instead, was simply using the new job as a pathway to his lifelong goal of becoming a member of the the Manhattan glitterati, and finding work as a sex and relationships columnist for a highly circulated New York newspaper.

It is believed that ever since the 1990s, John Barilaro had dreamed of moving into a studio apartment in an Upper East Side Brown Stones, and providing the city with apt social commentary that tackled relevant and modern issues such as sexuality, safe sex, promiscuity, and femininity, while exploring the difference between friendships and romantic relationships.

And just like that, the dream was over.

Author: Stephen Bailey