CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Australian shoppers are once again treating their fruit and veggies like absolute shit, as prices finally plummet to pre-pandemic levels.
Lettuce, in particular, is back where it belongs at the bottom of the crisper – getting bashed around by complacent hands, and in many cases, completely forgotten until after it decomposes into a dark green sludge.
This return to affordable sandwich filler feels as if balance has been restored to the universe, after a peculiar six months where heads of iceberg and butter lettuce were as valuable as truffles.
During the great Lettuce Famine, the cost of the everyday food item spiked as high as $12 – after last six months as flooding rains destroyed crops in NSW and Queensland.
Things got so dire during this time that fast food outlets began attempting to discreetly swap lettuce for shredded cabbage, a move that faced intense backlash from zinger burger enthusiasts.
However, this kind of desperation and war-time panicking is now a thing of the past, with some supermarkets display offering a price marked at $2.50 each for a head of lettuce.
Australians are now rejoicing at the opportunity to take lettuce for granted, and leaving 3 kilos of the stuff to just decay in the bottom of the fridge after using just two individual leafs to make a sandwich.
However, like every other false sense of reliability and safety in 2022, the good times are probably not going to last too long – with meteorologist predicting that those same crops are about to get blasted with another La Nina sized rainfall over the summer.
Shoppers are being urged to please not return to the scary days of panic buying, and instead just maybe rationing the one head of lettuce already taking up 30% of their crispers.