Advice Column | Hiding Your Shame As A Featureless Corporate Shill At Social Gatherings — The Betoota Advocate

Advice Column | Hiding Your Shame As A Featureless Corporate Shill At Social Gatherings — The Betoota Advocate

DR CHET SPEVENS | Finance Expert | CONTACT

Like most corporate shills, my face is entirely featureless. The smooth orb resembles little more than a blown up party balloon. It’s what happens to your facial characteristics when you spend your professional life spruiking the wares of soulless corporations as their yuppie sycophant.

But my featureless grill does in fact hide something underneath; shame. For you see, as I fraudulently plant myself in different social contexts and pump up whatever organisation has employed me to act as their corporate stooge, my cold dead mask begins to slip as the stark recognition that I am nothing but a doormat crawling yes-man overwhelms me.

I’m sure you can relate.

Thankfully for both of us bootlickers, I have discovered how we can hide our shame at these social gatherings. 

But here’s the hard truth, there is only one option. You can’t stop the shame, you just have to repress it completely. And the only way to do that is to shut down your limbic system. That’s the part of the brain that influences the autonomic nervous system, which is responsible for emotion. 

It takes practice but it can be done. To help you get you started here are some pointers to get you to shut off your limbic system quickly and quietly at the next social gathering:

Breathe deeply and proactively ignore the shame your feeling as an unadorned company object.
Approach strangers and always tow the company line.
Calmly persuade others to think of the corporation you’re spruiking in a positive way.

If attacked, take a deep breath once more and remind yourself that you appear to others much like a clothes store mannequin does; plastic, nameless, and not actually a real person. 

Supressing your limbic system in this way will allow you to continue to gain employment from tax-avoiding corporations that span the many spheres of influence found at the upper echelons of power.

Remember, it’s only when you’re out and about that you need repress your shame. When you are alone in the privacy of your own home, which is probably a modern concrete and glass monolith that is some kind of architectural homage to minimalistic sadness, you can let the shame seep out of your indistinguishable facial topography and rest. 

Rest now, Shill. Rest.

Author: Stephen Bailey