DR CHET SPEVENS | Finance Expert | CONTACT
With significant shortages of skilled labour across the country, today’s best employers are going above and beyond to retain staff.
While countless studies show that all staff really want, more so than anything else, is a better wage so they can save and eventually work less in order to enjoy the rest of their meaningless lives, it’s something the best employers avoid ever providing.
That’s because no business should ever pay their staff more because that would cut into profits, which goes against the fundamental premise of capitalism, meaning it goes against our fundamental way of life, what makes Australia, ‘Straya’.
So instead of giving your disgruntled staff the one thing they actually want, it’s better to trick them into thinking you give a shit about them by offering them fun lifestyle perks.
Things like sleeping pods under their desks, gym reimbursements to keep them on the labour treadmill, free coffee (instant only) or video game stations.
Anything to keep them at work longer.
And when they break down in tears because they can’t afford their increased rent even after working a 40-hour week, offer them mental health support by giving them a brochure of a positive psychology company that they can call and leave a voice message with, one that is never returned.
And if that doesn’t do the trick, just cut straight to the opioids approach and offer them regular doses of OxyContin.
Fun lifestyle perks are like catnip for staff, especially Gen Zers, because kids today don’t just want a wage, they want meaning, and a workplace whose values reflect their own.
At least that what we tell them they want, haha. Anything to keep them away from the truth that if they earnt more money and saved, they’d be able to find all of those things outside of work, because they wouldn’t be working all the time just to make ends meet.
All these circus acts you offer your disgruntled staff will distract them from the fact you’re paying them far below both the national wage average and the rate of inflation.
So keep up the distractions, and keep those profits churning, baby!