Advice Column | Educating Staff On How To Decouple Record Profits From Their Low Wage Growth — The Betoota Advocate

Advice Column | Educating Staff On How To Decouple Record Profits From Their Low Wage Growth — The Betoota Advocate

DR CHET SPEVENS | Finance Expert | CONTACT

Are you an important corporate exec like me? Then you’d know that in times of booming corporate profits like these, some staff can become disenchanted when realising wages are not moving upwards in line with profits.

For some reason, they seem to be struck down by the ridiculous belief that wealth should be shared. Super weird! 

Granted, it’s usually only a few loud voices that kick up a fuss. Most mindless drones are happy to punch-in and punch-out each day without questioning why they’re here in the first place.

But left unchecked, a few squeaky wheels can tip over the whole horse and cart if you’re not careful. So it pays to educate these big-headed fools on the ‘why’ behind how record company profits have decoupled from wage growth.

As you’d know, many moons ago developed western countries used to see a strong correlation between record profits and wage growth. That’s because back in the day, even soulless corporations were inclined to share the wealth. After all, it was the workers’ enhanced production that was providing the enhanced profits. 

But over many decades, neoliberal excellence has majestically deleted the concept of ‘shared wealth’. So now as a company’s production increases, the worker’s wage does not. This is a fairly new occurrence, one that is not common knowledge.

“But why?” Your slow worker might continue to ask. Well that is a stupid question. Profit needs no ‘why’, no reason or rhyme. Like fashion, profit simply ‘is’. And that’s all the education your problem worker needs; profit is. 

But you still need to jazz-up the truth. I find it’s best to role play some Shakespeare for disgruntled workers during training seminars. So I grab a wad of cash, lift it up before me and recite the words:

“To be profit, or not to be profit. That is the question.”

Once you add dramatic flair to your educational seminars, even the dullest employees begin to understand the very basic reason why their wages have stagnated, and why even if the company makes a hundred billion dollars they won’t see a cent.

Just don’t let them ask about your own record bonus payment. Only other execs would understand the why behind that.

Author: Stephen Bailey