LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
A Spartacus-like standoff has been taking place in Australia for close to 100 years as it has been confirmed 80% of Australian grandfathers claim to have been the first to put cheese and Vegemite together.
Invented in Melbourne in 1923, Vegemite is a beloved breakfast spread that celebrates everything Australian; brewing too much beer, trying to outdo the English, and being secretly owned by America for quite some time.
Since entering the market, Australians have learnt that Vegemite goes with pretty much everything including eggs, avocado, SAOs, or straight from the jar.
However, all Vegemite combinations must bow down before Vegemite and cheese which is a combination so heavenly it was once thought to have been created by Jesus Christ himself.
Therefore, it is not surprising that a country with a growing population of atheists has turned against the traditional Jesus story, leaving Australia’s grandpas to take the mantle of the inventor of Vegemite and cheese.
“It’s when my brother, your great uncle God rest him, when he was young he had what we called the Emerald Phlegm and because I shared a room with him in the roof, many families used to make an extra room of the roof back then you see, I had to take care of him and he wanted something sustaining but different to eat,” grandfather Bernie Dump (87) explained to his grandchildren.
“All we had in the cooler was a quarter wedge of cheese that the cheese man had brought round that morning in exchange for a bolt of cloth, bag of clothes props, and a jar of ninnies.”
“Low and behold, I popped a bit of Vegemite on top of a slice of cheese and I kid you not when I say your great uncle, God rest him, jumped for joy for the natural combination of cheese and Vegemite had cured him of his ailments!”
“I kid you not, I jumped straight through the roof and with his head sticking out the top of our wee house he proclaimed the glorious combination of cheese and Vegemite was one not to be missed and that I had done our family a great honour with my invention.”
With Bernie being just one of thousands of Australian grandfathers claiming to have invented the culinary masterpiece, family members are encouraged to take the stories with the same grain of salt as all the others.
“Do you know your great grandfather invented a chicken watering system too? He sold the patent of course to get us through the Depression so you won’t find that information on the Google.”